Night Wakings and the Mental Load: How To Share Baby Sleep Responsibilities Fairly
In this blog, I want to talk about:
Why night wakings so often fall mostly on mum
How to share baby and toddler sleep duties more fairly
What partners can do at night (even if you’re breastfeeding)
How to protect your own sleep while still responding gently to your little one
Because you absolutely can support your baby’s sleep and share the load more evenly.
The first two years with a baby or toddler are full‑on. You’re navigating feeds, naps, bedtimes, night wakings, and somewhere in the middle of all that you’re also trying to keep a household running and remember who needs what, when.
For many mums I work with through Sleep Nanny®, it’s not just the sleep deprivation that’s exhausting – it’s the mental load that comes with it. You’re the one tracking wake windows, remembering which side you fed on last, planning bedtime, and getting up multiple times a night.
And often, even when there is a willing partner at home, it can still feel like you’re doing the lion’s share of the baby sleep responsibilities.
Why Night Wakings Usually Fall On Mum
When I talk to parents of little ones under two, I hear the same patterns again and again:
Mum is on maternity leave, so she “naturally” does more
Partner is working outside the home, so everyone tries to protect their sleep
If baby is exclusively breastfed, it feels like only mum can respond at night
Mum wants to make sure baby is okay, so she automatically takes the lead
None of this means dads or partners don’t care. In fact, I’m seeing more and more partners who are very involved and keen to help. But the default still tends to be that mum does most of the night wakings, most of the bedtime routines, and holds most of the sleep knowledge in her head.
It’s also worth remembering something we often forget:
Women actually need more sleep than men.
So while it might feel “fair” that you do more at night because you’re at home with the baby, your need for rest is not less important. Your sleep matters for your physical health, mental health, and your ability to cope with the demands of parenting.
Sharing Baby Sleep Duties When You’re Breastfeeding
One of the biggest questions I’m asked is:
“How can my partner help with night wakings if I’m breastfeeding?”
In the early months, feeding is absolutely the priority. We want to make sure your baby is:
Feeding well
Gaining weight
Thriving
So yes, you may be the main person up at night for a while. But that doesn’t mean your partner can’t support you or share any of the sleep responsibilities.
Here are some realistic ways partners can help with baby sleep even when you’re breastfeeding:
Bring baby to you for feeds and settle them afterwards
Your partner can do the nappy change, bring baby to you, and then take over the settling so you can lie back down as soon as the feed is done.Take the first part of the night
If baby tends to wake frequently in the first half of the night, your partner can hold them in a sling or stay close by so you can get an early stretch of sleep.Offer comfort when a feed isn’t needed
As babies get older, not every wake is about hunger. If you know they don’t need a feed, your partner can go in first to offer cuddles, rocking or gentle reassurance. They’re a familiar, safe presence – and crucially, they don’t smell of milk, which can really help.Take the early morning shift
If you’ve been up a lot in the night, your partner can get up with baby at 5/6am so you can go back to bed for a couple of hours.
As your baby grows, if they’re still feeding every hour all night, it’s often more habit than hunger. Gently stretching feeds to every 2–3 hours and bringing your partner in as the first responder for non‑feed wakes can make a huge difference to everyone’s sleep.
Sharing Sleep Responsibilities When You Use Bottles
If you’re bottle feeding or mixed feeding, you have even more options to share night feeds and night wakings:
Alternate nights– one night on, one night off
Split the night into shifts– e.g. one does 10pm–2am, the other 2am–6am
Weekday/weekend balance– one of you does more during the working week, the other takes more at weekends
There’s no perfect formula, but the key is that you both feel the arrangement is fair and sustainable. If one of you is regularly getting long stretches of sleep while the other is up multiple times a night, resentment will build quickly.
Remember: you are both parents to this little person, and their sleep is a shared responsibility.
Protecting Your Own Sleep (Without Ignoring Your Baby’s Needs)
At Sleep Nanny®, we talk a lot about gentle, responsive sleep support. That means:
No “cry it out”
No leaving babies to cry alone for long periods
Always considering emotional wellbeing alongside sleep
But being responsive to your baby’s needs does not mean sacrificing your own sleep completely.
Some simple ways to protect your rest:
Prioritise one longer stretch of sleep for you
Can your partner take baby for the first part of the night or the early morning so you get at least one solid block?Nap when you can (and when it helps)
It’s not always possible, but if there’s an opportunity to rest during the day, take it. You don’t have to “earn” a nap.Simplify evenings
This is not the season for elaborate dinners and a spotless house. Easy meals, batch cooking and lowering standards a little can free up time for earlier nights.Ask for help with non‑sleep tasks
If you’re doing most of the night wakings, your partner can take over washing, cooking, cleaning or admin so you’re not trying to do everything on very little sleep.
You functioning as a human being is just as important as your baby’s sleep.
How To Talk To Your Partner About Sharing Sleep Duties
Conversations about who does what at night can get tense quickly, especially when you’re both tired. A few gentle guidelines:
Start from “we” not “you”
Instead of:
“You never help at night,”
Try:
“We’re both really tired, and I’m finding the nights really hard. Can we look at how we’re sharing things and see if we can make it feel fairer?”
You’re a team, not opponents.
Get everything out of your head
Write down:
Who usually does bedtime
Who responds to night wakings
Who gets up early
Who does naps, washing, meals, appointments
Seeing it on paper can make the imbalance very clear, and it gives you something concrete to work from.
Be specific about what would help
Instead of:
“I need you to do more,”
Try:
“Could you take the first part of the night so I can sleep 10pm–2am?”
“Could you be in charge of bedtime on these two evenings?”
“Could you get up with baby at 6am so I can go back to sleep?”
Clear, specific requests are much easier to say yes to.
Every Family Is Different – But You Don’t Have To Struggle Alone
Every family has its own approach to baby and toddler sleep. Some are happy with more contact and co‑sleeping, others are desperate for more structure and longer stretches at night. There is no one right way.
What matters is that:
Your baby’s sleep needs are being met gently and consistently
You and your partner feel like you’re on the same side
You’re not silently carrying the entire mental load and all the night wakings on your own
If you’re dealing with frequent night wakings, a baby who will only settle for you, or a toddler who is up and down all night, you don’t have to just “get on with it”.
At Sleep Nanny®, we specialise in gentle, evidence‑based sleep support that’s tailored to your child’s age, your feeding choices and your family’s values. We’ll help you:
Understand what’s driving the sleep struggles
Create a realistic, gentle plan to improve nights
Find ways to share the load so you can all get more rest
If this is resonating, start by sharing your little one’s age and what nights currently look like. From there, we can guide you towards calmer evenings, easier nights and a much lighter load on your shoulders.
